My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
