i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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