Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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