I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
