I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
