Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My room smells like vodka and shame
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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