loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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