If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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