I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
