i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
