You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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