My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
