If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
