i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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