normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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