I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's shark week go big or go home
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
