Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
