I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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