I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
