My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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