I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You ruined the universe
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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