Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
did you just send me my own nude
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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