He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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