I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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