well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
