No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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