You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
