I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
