filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize