I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
