remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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