Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Im part way to drunk.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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