So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
