If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Can I color on your dick again?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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