Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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