i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm always down for nudity.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
