Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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