you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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