I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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