bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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