Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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