The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
