rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
