i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
