New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
