so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
