i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Found your dick twin last night
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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