Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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