I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You ate ashes out of my bong
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
how drunk are you?
Several
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
