Your mouth is God's brothel.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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