I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
