she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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