dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
