Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
