her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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