He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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