i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
