When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
