I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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